I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
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There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
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She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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