I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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