I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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