I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
