Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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