Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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