i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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