theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
