my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
