Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
