You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
