well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm both gender and math confused
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
