He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
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He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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