Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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