i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Hippo gnu deer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize