So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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