I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
