is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
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