whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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