Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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