1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
then he tried to convert me to islam
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
