y did u give ur computer a hand job?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
