I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
