when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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