Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
