smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
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I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
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Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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