Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
