You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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