Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
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