I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
