wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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