Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
birth control should be required to get into college
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Houston, we have a squirter
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
