He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
