She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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