I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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