So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
