I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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