yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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