I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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