my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My vagina is very pro this idea
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