I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
whose parrot is this?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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