We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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