My cat gives me a boner
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
