I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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