Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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