i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Randomize
