Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
