dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
