I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
