My friends, they love my intelligence
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
