Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
