Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
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I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
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I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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