Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Randomize
