i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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