I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
