watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
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