Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
