the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
