Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
