R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
